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The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:

P....E...N...I...S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

St. Peter said, 'I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?'
The first priest says, 'I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.'
'So be it,' says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, 'Will any of this week 'count,' St. Peter?'
'No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.'
'In that case,' says the second priest, 'I've always wanted to be a stud.'
So be it' says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and God tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
'Will you have any trouble locating them?' He asks.
'The first one should be easy,' said St. Peter.
'He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.'
Why?' asked God.
'He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Newfoundland....

The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, 'You tell me, you're the expert.'

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.. The man should be here soon.

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to hold in my hand for long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate
love-making she asks him "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you," the black man says.

Every night they meet, and every night she asks him again what his name is,
and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.

On her last night there she asks again,
"Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me," says the
black man.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
And the lady bursts into laughter.
The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."
The lady replied,

"I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who
won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of snow every day in
Jamaica ."

The young guy said, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

Ken the old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy replied, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

Ken the old timer said, "It doesn't matter. Let's just look for yours."

Most old timers are helpful like that!

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the f**k are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of

government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

'MOUNT & DO'.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.

****

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed

again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed again. As before she used a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?

'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze

I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, "Pepper " .

How can ya tell when a hookers full????????

When her nose is running!!! ?*

---

Lixxxs K&J

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says.......................

'Grandpa........ Go home!'
You're drunk. . .'

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his

apartment

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is

completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently

strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complainin' that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for 'em yet.
Helllooooo?
Now just because I'm from Newfoundland doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just
exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves.
"Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
Bet he won't underestimate a Newfoundlander anymore...

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs.
Your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up..

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy
with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm it up'.

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter,
and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her
mother again, and she says to her mother,
'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies:
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 11th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

The dad looks out into the field and chuckles. He explains to his son that they are making puppies. So the kid settles down and says that's cool.

A few days later the little boy wakes up extra early and goes down to his parents room. He opens the door and there is mom and dad going at it. The little boy screams "Daddy, daddy get off of mommy your hurting her."

A little surprised the dad explains to his son that they are trying to make him a little sister.

So the little boy thinks about it for a minute then says "Dad why don't you flip mom over I'd rather have puppies."